35 things about getting older

At least this isn't one of those “Why I’m leaving New York City" essays

(Credit: su-lin)

Last week, I had my hair cut by a Manchester United fan who, by dint of youth, had no memory of his team winning the league. Initially, I found this objectively hilarious. The rules-based international order may be collapsing, but at least we can all enjoy successive United managers failing in increasingly unlikely ways.

But by the time the barber showed me the back of my head in the mirror and I nodded and smiled as our culture demands, I felt rather more conflicted. Worse, in fact. This represented a concerted attack on my perception of time. I felt… old.

And I know. Writing about age and ageing is among the naffest of subjects, second only to those ‘Why I’m leaving New York City’ personal essays that always seem to begin ‘I used to think I’d die here.’ Nevertheless, I’ve compiled a list:

1. Eating Greek yoghurt

2. Wincing when unaccompanied teenagers run across the road

3. Buying one of those flip-open iPhone wallet cases that make taking photos impossible

4. “Hot water and lemon, please.”

5. Being older than Premier League football managers

6. Explaining to your niece how people used to stay in just to watch Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, then calculating the inflation-adjusted value¹ of the grand prize — only to realise she’s already left the room

7. Addressing letters of complaint to the chief executive

8. Not booking the first flight out in the morning or the last flight back at night

9. You attended a chickenpox party

10. Heading outside on a snowy morning not to make snowmen, but to inspect which houses still have snow on their roofs and therefore who has decent loft insulation

11. Politely leaving a conversation you’re not enjoying / dryly asking someone who has word-vomited their entire life story to you without taking breath, “Do you have any questions for me?”

12. Twister has not been a realistic activity for years

13. Clearing your throat like, a lot

14. Getting your ears unblocked

15. Agreeing with your spouse not to make sounds when you get up or sit down

16. “Maybe I should buy a watch?”

17. Considering voting for a normie centre-right party (if your country still had one)

18. Clarifying with the waiter when your coffee arrives that it really is decaf

19. Entering your storing-cereal-in-Tupperware phase

20. Installing a shower with an inbuilt seating area, but assuring guests it’s “for the future” and not for now

21. Returning from Istanbul with scabs on your scalp and temporary redness

22. Driving to the recycling centre on weekends as a treat

23. Bleeding the radiators if you have nothing to recycle (again, as a treat)

24. Taking identical photos with multiple phones at family events rather than sharing them after the fact — because it’s just nice to have your own, isn’t it?

25. Going whale watching but standing on the whale-free side of the boat, to act as ballast

26. Actively eschewing non-traditional sources of protein which highlight their protein amounts on the packaging

27. Living in a country where the debt-to-GDP ratio is set to do this and thinking, “Eh, not my problem.”

Office for Budget Responsibility

28. Finally perfecting roast potatoes (par-boil, pre-heated oil, aggressively shaken to the point of madness)

29. Getting injured in your sleep

30. Assuming 1995 was 20 years ago

31. Watching strangers enjoying a wild night out and thinking, “Gosh, I hope they’re alright tomorrow.”

32. Getting injured from sneezing

33. Setting alarms not to get up but to take pills

34. Subscribing to a national newspaper

35. Wondering if you died, whether people would still comment “He/she was so young.”

The comment section is open for any and all examples you may want to share.

1. £512,147.82