Everything's fine, except these 47 things

My therapist's on annual leave, so here we are

Hands Across America (Sam Cali)

Pret coffee. Hire car pick-up (“You want a vehicle? From us?”) Slowed-down indie covers. Brand sentience. Open letters. Flat roofs. Undisclosed transfer fees. Busy roads in the middle of public parks. Actors (who presumably like their jobs) playing characters who hate theirs. Ironic shouts of ‘Come on, Tim!’ at Wimbledon any time after 2007.

Breaking Bad. Heterosexual couples walking along the pavement as if attempting to recreate Hands Across America. People who are overly polite to service staff but only as a flex. People who say: “I didn’t leave my party — it left me.” Being back from holiday but still having mosquito bites. That time the government declared the “D” in DCMS no longer stood for “department” but “digital”.

Costume dramas. Facebook status updates from circa 2011 that read, “Ldn”. Emirates’ Boeing 777 business class. Voicemail messages. My iPhone automatically turning low power mode off at 80% charge. Plays without an intermission. Americans referring to sports teams in the singular (e.g. Arsenal is). Spanish football commentary whenever a goal is scored (“Gol, gol, gol, gol, gol”).

Lift-only Tube stations. People who reply to paywalled links with “Paywalled!”. People demanding to know when Robert Caro will finish the final LBJ book (you are effectively asking when he plans to die.”) Audiobooks read by the author. New York Times headlines discourse. The inability to get a coffee in Sydney after 3pm. The awful iOS photos app update.

Emirates’ old 777 business class (Luke Lai)

The sound of soda cans opening. The taste of pre-shredded parmesan. Anyone who works for an MP and refers to themselves as “chief of staff”. Cam Norrie’s backhand. Cold smoked salmon on hot eggs. House numbers spelled out as words. Confusing colourful ties for a personality.

Being served anything other than loose leaf tea in a nice restaurant. The idea that Tony Blair and Gordon Brown were equally responsible for the breakdown in their relationship. British millennials who think the Iraq War happened to them. Tote bags. Monthly GDP statistics. “Let [Insert Politician’s Name] Be [Insert Politician’s Name].”

Short-form video content. The fuel duty freeze. Hotel breakfast conveyor belt toasters. Mike Riley. The blockchain. The cadence. Of modern. Political. Speeches.

“It's not the crime, it's the cover-up.” Err, depends on the crime! The restaurant that instructs waiters to open and begin serving a second bottle of San Pellegrino without asking. People who genuinely thought The Queen might cancel Boris Johnson’s prorogation. Car headlights getting brighter. Hypothecated taxes. And low-fat mayonnaise.

That's all I can think of right now. I want to thank you for letting me get some things off my chest. Feel free to add your own in the comments.