Five simple rules for eating out
If they don't ask *how* you want your burger, walk away
I can’t for the life of me remember where, but as we sat down at the table, the six of us were offered a choice of menus: with or without calorie counts. Not being monsters, we selected the latter. The waitress turned away, but swiftly returned with a grave look on her face. They had run out of our selection. Reader, you would be amazed how many calories are lurking in a thimble of hollandaise or a bowl of sweet potato fries1.
Of course, the reason why food tastes good at even average restaurants is simple: they add more salt than you can imagine and more butter than you would dare2. Trust me, your regular Tuesday evening stir-fry would be immeasurably improved by adding half a tub of Lurpak instead of that sad, eight-calorie oil spray. But professional kitchens can still snatch defeat from the jaws of cholesterol. A few things I like to consider:
Is the orange juice freshly squeezed? There is simply no excuse for anything pre-made, let alone from concentrate. Oranges purchased in bulk are not expensive, nor are commercial orange juice machines. This is where The Delaunay in Aldwych falls down. The service (free newspapers!), the atmosphere, the croissants — all delightful. But the OJ makes it a no-go.
Then, there is the smoked salmon. Look, I get it. Not every culture ‘gets’ smoked salmon. But here are a few things to note. It should not, in my expert humble opinion, be overly smoked. I mean, what are they trying to hide? The fish should be allowed to speak for itself. Ideally, it is on the fattier side, though I accept this is a subjective one.
But most importantly, if served with eggs or toast, it should come on the side. By placing hot poached or scrambled eggs on top, you are effectively cooking the salmon a second time, at which point it denatures into an unpleasant, rubbery texture. This is a non-negotiable, so order with care.
Let’s tackle the burgers. In the right circumstances, I am extremely pro-burger. But again, take precautions. If the waiter does not ask how you want it done, that is a red flag, like dating a guy who claims that “all his exes are crazy”. I take no view on how you want yours cooked: blue, medium or even well done — live your best life. But I need to know that the kitchen cares enough to ask.
The Wells in Hampstead used to do one of the best burgers in London. Unfortunately, the health officials stuck their clipboards in, and the pub now only offers medium-well or well. I tried to pitch a one-man musical on the premise, but Cameron Mackintosh told me an inability to order a medium-rare burger was not enough of a trauma to be the emotional arc of a show.
Chips. Much as with the orange juice, there is simply no excuse for bad restaurant chips. You have the deep-fat fryer. Why not experiment with different oils, shorter or longer frying times and so on? My oven chips should not be better than your offering. But for those interested, these McCain Gastro Triple Cooked Chips are genuinely life-changing.
And finally, not my favourite quotes about food, but simply my favourite quotes:
“When you’re married, you’ll understand the importance of fresh produce.” ~ Tony Soprano
“I think we’re just out of Waldorfs.” ~ Basil Fawlty
[Tony Soprano holds up a carton of orange juice]
Tony: “This says ‘with pulp.’"
Carmella: “You like it with pulp.”
Tony: “Not this much. I like the one that says ‘some pulp.’”
[Carmella throws the phone at Tony]
Tony: “What the f**k was that for?”
Carmella: “I'll write you up a list.”
At the risk of sounding like a social media influencer farming for engagement, I’d really like to hear your rules for dining out. The more specific, the better. Let me know in the comments. (I cannot believe I just typed those words. Next thing you know, I’ll be doing an advert for a virtual private network.)
Have a lovely weekend. Eat well.
Double it and add 150
A jug of fresh cold tap water on the table without having to ask. I'll never forget my first time in Greece when I was 19. Whatever you ordered, in a taverna or just a Coke in a bar, always came with a glass of cold water. I thought 'how civilised'. Still do.
Just last week I complemented a waiter who bought a bottle of wine to the table, showed it to me, removed the screw cap, and poured it. If the bottle doesn't have a cork why would you want to try it before it's poured?
Oh, and after the first glass has been poured for heaven's sake leave it to the diners to help themselves to more.
When it comes to fresh pasta, no-one else gets to decide how much cheese is enough. Do not bring a set quantity in a bowl, freshly grated only and don't you stop before I say so.