1. The genuinely busy friend
Starting as we absolutely do not mean to go on, sympathetically. Needy clients, elderly parents, hungry children… your message is important to them, thank you for your patience and continuing to hold.
2. The easily overwhelmed friend
Chill job, sprightly parents, no responsibilities to speak of yet every text sparks an immediate and near-total loss of executive function.
Their shame spiral intensifies until suddenly, the replies arrive in panicky bursts before they return to their reclusive filmmaker lair.
3. The object permanence-challenged friend
Their phone lights up, notifications are swiped away, green ticks turn menacingly blue and… all evidence of message has been struck from their internal operating system. Linked to this, I suspect, are a couple of phenomena:
First, premature dopamine syndrome, whereby the mere act of reading a text can trick the brain into feeling like it’s job done, when in fact you haven’t even reached halftime of a two-legged cup tie.
And second, the interstitial problem, whereby receiving a text in transit or in a queue risks that, when the external environment changes, any intention of replying dissolves with it.
4. The different expectations friend
They value in-person catch-ups, voice memos or Reels involving AI-generated beagles working in fast food restaurants.
But call them at midnight with instructions on where to meet and what kind of shovel to bring and they will help you bury a body, no questions asked. The one thing they will not do, of course, is text you back.