Day one:
Do you want to be right, or happy? My therapist wasn’t referring specifically to hotel buffets. But that’s only, I suspect, because it was our first session and he was yet to grasp the importance I ascribe to breakfast.
Point being: regardless of the hotel’s price point or Tripadvisor rating, you cannot expect to get things right on your maiden circumnavigation of the omelette station. And you don’t even want to.
Say, by some quirk of fate, you managed to deposit the top five buffet items onto your plate: the eggs royale observed the laws of thermodynamics (smoked salmon placed on the side to avoid being cooked by the residual heat of the poached eggs), the bacon caramelised and the OJ as freshly squeezed as the day is long… big whoop.
Ask yourself: how would you know you’d smashed it if you didn’t also try the not so good: the pancakes left to wilt under a heat lamp, the supermarket quality bagels or the mushrooms left to marinate in their grey juices? The first morning is all about trial and error. Pile them high, scoff them cheap.
And remember: just because you’re judging the other guests for what’s on their plates, doesn’t mean they’re judging you.
Day two:
That difficult second album. If you’ve travelled far, your jet lag hunger may start to mimic pregnancy cravings. Pickles and ice cream, biting into lemons like an apple, dousing vinegar on everything (everything). Here’s the good news — your children are fully grown and you’re at a hotel buffet. So, try anything you didn’t have space for or see yesterday, allowing yourself a hard ceiling of two repeat items.
Still full from last night’s supper? Pull yourself together. If you don’t hate yourself by the time you get up to leave, I’m beginning to question your commitment.
Day three:
You encounter the sudden urge to have cereal? Which you have every day of the week? Pour yourself a bowl! Weetabix tastes sweeter when consumed within 500 yards of salt water.
For seconds, remember the number one rule of improv: “yes, AND”. So it’s granola and Nutella, waffles and massaman curry, cheese and honey and cold cuts on sourdough.
Day four:
The era of experimentation is over. The moment of optimisation is upon us. Day four is the ABBA Gold of breakfasts — just play the hits.