The amortisation of everything

That's a bit of a stretch

(Credit: rjcdcv)

Arsène Wenger taught a generation of hitherto untroubled young men to fear amortisation. From the early 2000s, the economics graduate turned football coach decreed that players over the age of 30 were entitled to contract extensions of no more than a year, lest they get injured and therefore saddle the club with an aged, stranded asset.

This theory was more recently turned on its head by the new owners of Chelsea, who clocked that if you give expensive signings absurdly long contracts, you can turn a terrifying transfer fee into a manageable (and more Financial Fair Play-compliant) annual expense.

Alas, this act of financial chicanery came too late for my nervous system. As a result, my autonomic response to seeing any sort of floating leisure craft is to turn to the nearest person, even a stranger, to wryly observe that once the stern hits the salt water — even if the thing manages to float — its value plummets.

(Credit: dyobmit)

Of course, the Wenger years weren’t all macroeconomic orthodoxy. The bloke positively transformed English football through his knowledge of the French transfer market and scientific breakthroughs like maybe not drinking 10 beers the day before matches. The problem is, such insights are useless to me.

I can’t afford to buy even an average Frenchman and my athletic performance is sadly impervious to alcohol, diet or indeed instruction. But where Wenger’s methods did rub off on me is stretching. I mean, the human body is the ultimate depreciating asset.

Inelastic demand

Before he became a somewhat divisive commentator during this World Cup, Arsenal’s Lee Dixon was universally regarded as a fine full-back: boundless energy, terrific positional sense, difficult to beat in isolation. He once remarked on Wenger’s obsession with stretching.

We started stretching before we went for a warm up, during the warm up, after the warm up. We’d stretch after the training. We’d stretch after a sauna, after lunch. I’d never stretched so much in my life.

But the results spoke for themselves. Not just in trophies, but longevity. Dixon was already 32 when Wenger arrived, and played on until he was 38.

Before we go any further, I’m prepared to acknowledge the irrefutable: stretching is really boring. You just lie, sit or stand there while holding a moderately exposing position for 30 seconds. Nor do I claim to understand (or frankly care to understand) the science behind it. There’s a video explainer here but it’s a bit like wondering about the purity of the water emanating from the tap — it’s clean, I don’t ask questions.

What I do know is that, like saving for a pension or beefing up your obituary, it is never too soon to start.